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12-29-09

Mom died yesterday, Monday December 28, 2009 at 6a at Norma's adult family care home. Connie and dad got a call that morning early. She died in her sleep, and I doubt she felt too much pain. Norma had been checking on her every 2 hours and had given her morphine a couple of times toward the end. We could have kept her alive longer, maybe even brought about a recovery but it would have meant a feeding tube as mom had stopped eating.

We don't know if it was by personal choice, as in, she was alert enough to have decided it was time to die, or if it was her old throat problem or what. But we chose to abide buy what appeared to be her wishes...she had stopped talking and let things take their natural course. Without her eating, her diabetes was unmanagable. Adding to that was her dementia, which always left me guessing about whether she knew me in the last couple weeks. I actually hadn't seen her since thanksgiving other than on Monday (hospice) and Friday, Christmas day.

It's very sad that she is gone. I had thought I had used up all my tears regarding her slow decline since they sold the family home and moved into Panorama, but I was wrong. I've still not completely broken down, but I've been feeling my tears well up, especially when I played and recorded this song for her today. I played it on the chromatic harmonica she and dad gave me for xmas in 1967. I recorded two tracks in garage band, and exported the mp3.

12-26-09

Why do tears burn? Is it the pain that causes them, the squeezing of the tear ducts, or some sort of acid in the liquid? This has not been a merry xmas. Mom hasn't woken up in 3 days. She has stopped eating, dad put her on hospice care, and told them no feeding tube. Her diabetes is basically out of control because there is no food to balance the insulin.

When we walked in she looked as bad as we've ever seen her. The nurses aide looked at me and shook her head, whispering, it's her time. I know we all have to die sometime, and I guess it is her time, but that doesn't make it any easier for those of us who love her and remember better days.

Monday when we went down to railroad dad into signing the hospice papers for mom, she was sitting up, smiling a little and holding our hands. Sue heard her say hi and goodbye, but I heard nothing, and wasn't sure she knew me. She had been that bad before and rallied to the point where she could laugh and joke with the family. But this deep slide into a comatose state over just 4 days does not look good.

I called my sister Connie on xmas eve, interupting a family dinner with her kids, husband and inlaws. Brent answered the phone and I told him I wasn't sure I should even make the call. I really didn't want to ruin their xmas too but I was afraid she would be gone before Monday, which is when Connie is coming up for a visit.

Dad was very stressed out. He couldn't figure out how to run his microwave machine. Started banging on the door and cursing in that strange style he has where he doesn't use any swear words, but it sounds like swearing nevertheless. He's got a lot of type A personality anger inside and, like me, takes it out on objects when things get tough. When I get mad, I like to go out to the garage and throw things around. I'm usually frustrated that I can't find something and I turn the place upside down. Sue knows to just leave me alone when I get like that.

I usually feel much better afterward, and if I don't, I go for a bike ride. Exercise is awesome for mood improvement. Dad hasn't had any exercise in probably a year. He has been the devoted caregiver, but now he is the burnt out caregiver.

I was bumping up against 170 for the last two weeks. I realized I simply needed more exercise so I made a special effort to ride my bike, or the exercise bicycle at least once a day and finally I got down o 165 today. I'm going to try to wake up on the schwinn aerodyne instead of hitting the coffee and the computer first each morning.They say that exercise in the morning gets your metabolism running and helps to burn fat.

I need to give Flash a break and do some car repair. Good old roll around in the mud in the front yard car maintenance. I have to do front brakes, shocks and repack the bearings in our 2004 tacoma.

12-22-09

I bought a new flash book, and borrowed another. I've been studying hard and Flash is coming back to me. The new CS4 isn't as hard as I thought. I just had to find some decent books. I've built one slideshow already all in action script CS3, though timeline based, instead of OOP but at least I'm working in the right direction. This slideshow is buggy in that it can't be stopped or started. I tried to get too fancy, but at least the images show up, and the music is controllable. Don't have preloader yet as I don't know how to write it in AS CS3.

Mom is declining again and we signed her up for hospice yesterday. Dad was ok with it, though it took some getting used to.

12-18-09

Taught my last class of the quarter yesterday. I have to grade all day today, but I'm already using delaying tactics, like writing here instead of buckling down to the task at hand. I climbed at the gym 4 times this week. Sunday I climbed with Marty, and then Fletch showed up at the last moment. Monday I climbed with Fletch and Christine. Wednesday and Friday I also climbed with Chris and or Fletch. I've conquered all my hard projects and have begun a few new ones.

This quarter was busy as usual, but different in that it was my last quarter with Janet, who retired as of yesterday. I will miss her. She taught me all the basics about teaching, and continued to be my guide as I matured into the teacher I am today.

Right now though, I am a screw off, avoiding the inevitable tidal wave of grading that is about to engulf me during this long day. I'd better get to it. No way to it but through it.

anonymous comments overheard by someone in the business from the surgeon in surgery:

"Ooops!"

"Oh shit!"

Sudden silence during the telling of a long joke, and then: "Uh, how many units of blood do we have on hand?"

12-6-09

Climbed at Vantage last weekend with Mark, Craig and Fletch. It was cold Saturday but I thrashed up Party in your Pants and followed a couple others. Sunday I led Air Guitar and the 5.8 to its left that has always scared me in the bulge at the top. Did them both cleanly, though not as relaxed as I have done them when I am warmed up.

I bought a new watch: the Seiko Orange Monster as it is known online. I like it a lot. It has no batterys at all and looks like it ought to last a decade. Yesterday Sue and I drove to Seattle where she shopped at Patagonia and I bought some more fabric. I sewed one left overmit during the weekend. I alternated between writing CSS and sewing. When I got tired of one, I'd switch to the other. It was a nice way to get some work done.

I also bought a new flashlight at REI. I bought the best one they have for lighting my night bike rides, and I ordered a old style steel handwarmer from England.

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